Story time… So, you really have to be careful when you’re feeling lonely, because you’re vulnerable during those times, and when you feel that sting of loneliness, you’ll do just about anything (in some cases anyone) if it fulfills that longing for companionship, because, who wants to be alone forever? No one! Anyway back to those feelings of loneliness… If you are feeling the sting and you don’t have the self discipline to keep your feelings in check, those feelings of loneliness could cause you to make bad decisions.
They’re bad, because they haven’t been properly thought out, or they have, but with little to no regard of the consequences. Hey, we’re in our feelings, and we’re hoping for the best, right? Feelings and false expectations, boy… I tell ya! They go hand in hand…
Once upon a time, this was me, and to be honest, I don’t know if the bad decisions that I made was a result of loneliness or horniness… I’m just keeping it one hundred. True story, but I met this guy, and he was throwing every red flag my way almost as soon as we began to talk. He had a lot of issues. He was telling me all of his problems, and something in me was like, run, but I respected his honesty.
Hey, not many guys open up like he did, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and to be honest, I had a one track mind, and that was getting in his pants. 🤷🏾♀️ Disgusting right? Um.. yeah, whatever.. Ish happens… You can’t change the past, but you can learn from it, and hopefully do better…
To be honest, I didn’t care about all his issues that he was blabbering about. I really didn’t want anything serious with him, I just wanted one thing… Pretty toxic right? Yeah, I know. Anyway, we did the do.
We both kept in touch for a little while, but I wasn’t calling or texting him like that, I was keeping things casual. Eventually, he ghosted me, and that’s when I realized, that was the best one night stand, ever, and let me tell you why. It gave me time to self reflect. Had he not ghosted me and continued to fulfill my selfish desires, I wouldn’t have realized just how toxic I was… Yeah, I was a pretty jacked up human being, and I didn’t know it.
A lot of us don’t know it. We just think we’re lonely, bored, or horny, but a lot of times it’s something else.. A part of me just wanted to get my rocks off and another part of me longed for companionship, but at my core, I was alone… Alone, and broken. My brokenness consisted of so many things, like rejection, insecurities, anxiety, amongst other things, and what makes this story a story, is that, I didn’t know myself like I thought I did prior to sleeping with that guy.
I thought that I was powerful and I had everything under control, but I was weak. Had I known how messed up and selfish I was when I met that guy, I would have known that what we shared wouldn’t last longer than one night. Again, I didn’t want a relationship, but I did want his penis on demand. I didn’t see how jacked up that was back then, but now I’m like, I was crazy! I just wanted to take from this guy, and call it a good time, but God was like, NOPE!
We both had the same type of issues, except he was more vocal about his, and he was a little more crazier than me, in my opinion, but then again, I didn’t really know myself, so that’s up for debate… You know, it’s funny how being ghosted causes you to self reflect. At least for me it did, and you know what, I couldn’t even be mad at the dude, and still isn’t to this day. I actually thank him, because had he kept catering to my feelings, I would have never taken accountability for my actions, and I would have never known just how much more work I need to do on me. It was a humbling experience, because it made me realize, I wasn’t who I thought I was.
I thought that it was just about sex, but it wasn’t. It was about me being broken, AND THAT’S OKAY; as long as I am mature enough to own my brokenness and maintain the self discipline to actually heal instead of using people to treat a symptom of a deeper issue… Me getting my rocks off was never about him, and I’m pretty sure that him getting his off was never about me. He was an open book, and I read his crazy… but I hid mine, but not too well… I think he peeped it.
He probably saw it as me not being that interested, because although we kept in touch, I wasn’t hitting him up like that, and I know that he know that I only wanted one thing… Anyway, yeah, so best one night stand ever! I realize why I kept attracting broken people, it’s because I too am broken… yes, STILL… but I own that ish now, and I’m no longer going to use my hurt to hurt other people, to include myself. I don’t know when I’ll be completely fixed, but for now, I’m focusing on accepting all parts of me. Especially, the broken parts.
If I only accept the good things about me, I’ll never take accountability for the bad. I just thank God for the lesson. Now, I respect myself, and others. I set boundaries and stick to them. I’m learning to make time to truly get to know people and allowing them to get to know the real me, without letting my feelings lead me.
I don’t think with my vagina anymore. (Round of applause) The struggle has been real, trust me… I’ve stayed in situationships way to long because I used to listen to my vajayjay… but that’s another story.. Now, I’m more likely to find out why I’m feeling a certain type of way, rather than acting on those impulses. I guess you can say that, I came for one thing, but by the grace of God, I left with so much more.
Had he not ghosted me, I’d probably still be thinking that most men ain’t crap when the truth of the matter is, I was pretty darn crappy myself. 🥴