Let me just start off by saying, I have zero regrets about anything. I don’t regret getting married a week after I graduated high school and I don’t regret filing for divorce, 14 years later… Yeah… So let’s rewind back to when I was 18. We were in love. We were girlfriend and boyfriend on and off for years, and we’d overcame many obstacles and in our minds we loved each other and wanted to honor God, so we got married.
We weren’t trained on how to be a husband or wife though, and that was the problem, but you can’t tell a teenager anything who has their mind made up. 🤷🏾♀️ So, that was problem number one, we were not properly positioned… NEVERTHELESS, I will tell you this, even if you lack in a certain area, if you put God first, His grace will be with you, and it was… but I am certain that if I was in position to be a wife, and if he was in position to be a husband (God’s way) then we could have overcame everything we’d been through during the course of our marriage. You see, you don’t become a wife or a husband on your wedding day, you become those things long before. A girlfriend or boyfriend has a girlfriend or boyfriend’s mindset but it takes patience, discipline, wisdom, sacrifice, forgiveness and most importantly keeping God at the forefront to attain a successful marriage. You can’t have any of these things if you’re not trained, and if you’re not properly trained, unfortunately you’re not qualified to carry out the position, which in this case is marriage. The Bible says in Proverbs 18:22 that,
“He who finds a wife finds a good thing,
And obtains favor from the Lord.”
It doesn’t say, he who finds a girlfriend or boyfriend… this means we should be already in position. A girlfriend or a boyfriend can “love” you today, dump you tomorrow, and be in “love” with someone else the next day… but we all know that’s not real love, but that’s the mentality that a lot of “friends” have. They are quick to jump ship when things get rough, because it’s really all about I and not us… So, if you want a husband, position yourself to be a wife, and guys if you want a wife, position yourself to be a husband so that you know what you’re looking for and so that you’re dating with purpose. Which leads me to number two…
Your (the two of you) purpose should align. 2 Corinthians 6:14 says, ““Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?” Listen, I know that we’re not perfect, and sometimes we fall in love with people who aren’t the best for us. God is not trying to rain on your parade, He just knows what’s best for us! Things may not be complicated in the beginning with a person who believes differently than you, but trust me, later on it can cause chaos, because if you’re trying to follow God, and the love of your life isn’t… then what is the purpose of the marriage? How can the two of you really come together and experience true intimacy, if you have different faiths? It’s going to cause a hell of a lot of confusion within the relationship, and confusion is not of God. It’s also going to boil down to following God, or compromising your faith for the sake of trying to keep your husband or wife. I’m speaking from experience. In the beginning we were both focused on God, but when my ex husband became unfocused and started doing him, I also became unfocused and started doing things (outside the will of God) to try to keep him. After that didn’t work, I started doing me. Again it goes back to neither of us being properly trained on how to be a husband or wife. We thought love was enough and unfortunately it isn’t. There are so many more components that goes into maintaining a healthy and successful marriage. The last thing I’d say that will help you maintain a successful marriage is to remember that you’re a team, and that team consists of God, you and your spouse. No matter what, you must remain committed, just as you do in your faith. When things get rough in life, we shouldn’t lean to our own understanding (which happened in my case), we should seek God. Go to God for counsel, not your feelings. Ask God for advice, don’t just listen to people, because I will be honest with you, sometimes people will give you their best advice but it’s not always the right advice and most certainly not always godly advice. Remember there is no I in team, and to be honest, that’s a major reason why my marriage failed, because in some way, we both were equally selfish. We’re both responsible for our divorce, I would be a lie if I said, it was all his fault. I will not play the victim, I admit that I too was selfish. I wasn’t always a part of the team. Even if my ex went left, I should have stayed right with God, but many times I didn’t. Many times I listened to my feelings and I left God and went outside of my marriage. I’m not saying that had I never left God, or went outside of my marriage, that I’d still be married. I probably still wouldn’t be married if I’d done everything right, because again, IT’S A TEAM EFFORT! Lol Everyone has to be on board. Even though I went through a divorce, it lead me to my purpose. I never would have thought that would be the case, but here I am, and I’m at peace. I’m proof that God will give you beauty for your ashes, and that there is purpose in your pain. Today, I’m a self published author. I encourage people daily that there is hope in Jesus Christ, and I Biblically counsel individuals who’ve been through or are going through what I’ve been through.Although I’ve had my fair share of disappointments, heartaches, and trials of all sorts, my joy is complete. I’m still learning, still growing and I am still training to be a wife. I’ve gotten far, but to be honest, I have a long way to go. Sometimes my feelings say, “I’m ready for a husband,” but wisdom tells me, I’m not quite there yet. I don’t want to rush into anything because the next one is definitely for the long haul. So yeah! Your marriage can work, or if you’re thinking about getting married it can be successful! Just position yourself, mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically #1. #2, Date with purpose. It is imperative that you are of one accord, which leads me to #3, remember that you are a team and God is the coach! The two of you should be running towards the same goal and never make your relationship about “I”. Make it about God, and then make it about each other. If you focus on pleasing God first, and then pleasing your spouse, and if they make their life about keeping God first, and then pleasing you… it could most definitely work and last a lifetime. Spoken from a person who has genuinely learned from her mistakes and is cautious not to make the same one twice.