So, before I found out who I am in Christ. I wasted a lot of time doing things I had no business doing. I’d moved on plenty of times (as far as relationships goes), but I was never moving forward, and because it was hard for me to move on emotionally, it affected me spiritually, physically and even financially. I was going in circles, in relationships that I knew wasn’t going anywhere. Doing these things were like treating a symptom, but they did nothing for the underlying issue which was emotional damage.
Today I’m going to tell you a story, or more like a testimony. For anyone carrying around emotional baggage, I’m here to tell you that you can have peace, joy and love like never before. I found it in Christ and I know if He can fix the hot mess that I was, He can do the same for you. So, here goes..
I was in a love triangle… plus one. ☝🏾 Yep, that triangle was more like a square, and when I was in it, I couldn’t see how lame it was, because I was having “fun.” I had a dude that had the money, ironically he also had my heart. The second dude was someone I met at a club when dude number one had cheated on me, one too many times. I gave dude number two my phone number, but I blew him off the first couple of months even though he called me every single day, trying to take me out.
I would talk to him on the phone, but I wasn’t trying to be with him. He was just someone I talked to, to escape boredom, until I needed him one night, and he was more than happy to oblige. So you can call dude number two my rebound, but things he did to my body made me love him too… At least back then, I thought it was love… 🙄 Dude number two knew about dude number one, and he talked about him more than I did, and that irked me.
I mean come on dude. I came over your house to escape dude number one. I don’t want to think about him. Why are you so bothered by him? I’m right here with you!
Yes… that was my mindset in my mid twenties. N-T-WAYZ… Dude number three…
The third times a charm right? Ah nah! I thought!
Three strikes and I was out of my freaking mind! Dude number three was the popular guy. He had so many groupies! 🤦🏾♀️ He was charming though. My friend and I were at a different club, and she was choosing him, but he chose me, and why did my dumb self let him?
Because, he made me feel special. Not because he chose me over my friend, but because whenever I’d see him, he would say or do things that dude number one hadn’t did in ages. Are you starting to see a pattern here? So, dude number three would show me off, tell me his innermost secrets and we formed a bond. I wanted it to work with dude number three so bad, but he couldn’t control his groupies!
They’d message me on social media or call my phone, and I didn’t have time for it. If that was the case, I could’ve stayed with dude number one, and put up with his bull crap. At least with dude number one, I was well taken care of financially… Geesh.. Anyway, all these dudes had one thing in common.
They were controlling in some kind of way. I was attracted to these guys, I thought because of their different qualities, but it was more like for what they had in common. They loved to control women and I had no self control. 🤷🏾♀️ You see how that works? Dude number one thought that he could control me with money.
He was disrespectful and constantly cheated on me, but thought I should be grateful as long as he took care of me. 🥴 The nerve. He lost his mind when he found out about dude number two, and he hasn’t found it sense. Speaking of dude number two, he tried to control me with sex. This man was my drug. He literally turned me out, but our relationship wasn’t about love, it was about sex.
I thought I loved him because the sex was so good, but it was lust. That relationship was very complicated. I can’t even go into full detail about what all went down with he and I and why I had to let him go. Dude number three form of control was his charm, but he definitely had a piece of my heart because he “loved” me, when I didn’t love myself.
Sounds crazy doesn’t it? That’s because it is! It wasn’t real love, but I didn’t know better back then, but I do now. The love that dude number three and I shared wasn’t an organic type love, but I was persuaded… until new baby mommas started popping up left and right. Dang, I started to think that I should have stayed with the ho I was with!.. excuse my french.
Ok, yes, I’d basically become a ho as well. Sorry for cursing, again. This is something me and God is working on… but do you see how this love triangle, plus one that I was in, was all because of the emotional baggage I was carrying around from dude number one? The Bible says, you reap what you sow.
Back then, I thought I was getting over my ex, by getting under the next, but when it’s real love, you never stop loving them, EVEN IF THAT PERSON BREAKS YOUR HEART!
So maybe I deserved those failed relationships with those other men, because it was never truly about them, it was about me needing to pacify my situation, and that’s selfish. I was to blame for all of those relationships failing, just like they were. I wasn’t innocent. I think a lot of times it’s easy to point the finger at people who break our heart, but we need to acknowledge the part we played in that as well. I can’t tell you how many times I prayed and cried, and asked God to deliver me from the hurt.
It wasn’t until I decided to get serious about my walk with God, by FULLY submitting to His Will, that I was able to walk away from all of that. It is still an everyday decision NOT to go back, but it’s easier because I now walk in my purpose daily. I’m actually doing what God created me to do, and that is more fulfilling than living a real good lie, or getting an orgasm from someone who has no real intentions on taking the relationship a step further. Like I said, I wasn’t ready anyway. Not for anything serious. My feelings said I was, but looking back, I was just a hurt little girl, trying to find my way.
Thank God I found myself in Christ. I learned to love myself and be okay with being lonely sometimes. The feeling of occasional loneliness is bearable, because with God, I am never alone, and when this life is over, the only real thing that matters is the things I do for the Kingdom of God. So I encourage anyone who’s heart has ever been broken by a lover, or by a family member, friend or whoever, to seek God first, and everything else in your life will fall in order. You’ll feel healthier, you’ll mature spiritually, emotionally you’ll be free, and your money will begin to look right, because you’re following God’s lead, and not your feelings.